Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Button Love

He’d been chewing on his button again. He knew he shouldn’t his mother had shouted at him enough, his father slapped him.

‘Stop chewing your buttons, you’re ruining your clothes and we don’t have money to buy new ones!’
‘Stop chewing on your buttons, it’ll make your teeth grow funny!’
‘Stop chewing on your buttons, you’re not a baby any more!’
‘Stop chewing your buttons, you’ll swallow one one day and choke!’

Shouting, shouting, SHOUTING. Originally it had been his parents screaming at each other that made him reach for the solace of a button. But then it was his older sister joining in the arguments, making things worse.

So sodden material pressed against his cheek, the hard comfort of the button in his teeth, a snotty running nose and crying eyes got him through the painful noise.

And now, as an adult faced with his problems he still reached quietly for the quiet emotional prop when he was alone. This time as the tears ran down his face, as breathlessness turned his face purple and desperate retching wouldn’t work one childhood shout returned to haunt him.


‘Stop chewing your buttons, you’ll swallow one one day and choke!’

Saturday, 22 October 2016

The Patient Patient

He sat, slumped in plastic chair with his spine slowly taking the shape of the uncomfortably formed backrest. He flicked disinterestedly through a glossy magazine filled with celebrities he didn’t know getting married to celebrities he didn’t care about. It was worn, torn and dated but about the only thing to focus on other than quite how long he had already been waiting.

‘Mr Grey, Mr Grey?’

He sat upright and placed the magazine on the seat next to him. He began to rise as she caught his eye.

‘Ah Mr Grey,’ she said ‘We shouldn’t be too much longer. Would you like a magazine?’ She pointed to a small table that resembled the produce of a paper shredder.

‘Any clues how much longer it might be,’ he asked realising his voice sounded as though he wasn’t sure he would live that long.

‘It really shouldn’t be that long now. Let me make sure we’ve got all your records.’ She turned and walked off towards the office.

He sat for a moment then glanced at the clock. He found it hard to work out quite how long it was since he had first sat down. He flicked his eyes around the room. There was no one left from when he had come in. That said many people who had arrived after him had been seen and left.

He got up and stretched. He wanted to do something that would make them register he was still there, still waiting. He walked slowly towards the magazine table and placed the one he had read back on top. He then stared at the fish tank trying to see if there was anything else in there except gravel, weeds and water.

Beyond the tank he noticed an alcove with what appeared to be a comfy chair in it. To give purpose to his change of position to anyone who was observing him he picked up the same magazine he had read and strode over to the chair.

In a moment he realised that this padded chair was infinitely more comfortable than the rigid hard plastic he had endured for god knows how many hours. The muscles in his back seemed to relax as he sank back and opened the tatty journal. Here, half hidden from the others he could at least find peace.

His next moment of clarity was being gently woken by the cleaner. At first he couldn’t make out what she was saying but a glance to clock and the realisation it was light outside explained her look of surprise.


‘Ah well,’ he thought settling back, ‘they open again in half an hour.’




Thursday, 29 September 2016

The Lord Scroley Dictionary - Volume 4

'Pedimoriae' - meaning: wistfully remembering that Clarks shoes had a wooden device for measuring your feet 

'Incidirus' - meaning: the uncanny ability to foretell an impending paper cut 

'Malusvenatus' - meaning: realising just after the serve that it wasn't badminton you used to be good at 

'Circumstuffe' - meaning: the complete inability to insert a duvet into its cover without a fight 

'Lactinanis' - meaning: the moment you realise someone has finished the milk and you need tea 

'Dentisem' - meaning: the feeling after eating poppy seed bread as the gaps in your teeth are filled 

'Materitis' - meaning: to feel cold because someone else is not wearing enough clot' - the 

'Somniummeer' - panicked wake up from a dream before realising it's OK and you're not a meerkat


Tuesday, 27 September 2016

The Lord Scroley Dictionary - Volume 3

'Somnictus' - meaning: to insist that you are right then wake in the middle of the night to realise you were wrong

'Textuminas' - meaning: the discovery of an ex-tissue throughout the freshly done clothes wash

'Ascendemtia' – to reach the top of the stairs without a clue why you went up

'Spatularum' – the cooking utensil in the cutlery draw that jams it meaning you have to trap your fingers to release it

'Vestimenout' – the nagging doubt as you leave the house that you are wearing the wrong clothes for where you are going


‘Fadenergum' - meaning: the state of nervousness when out created by a mobile phone battery falling to 10%

Monday, 26 September 2016

The Lord Scroley Dictionary - Volume 2

As the Scrabble Dictionary releases its new words here are a few more

'Destituning' - meaning: to protect oneself from disappointment by imagining everything will always go wrong

'Motusdubium' - meaning: the sudden chilling doubt that you are on the right train as it pulls out

'Ostiumabominatio' - meaning: the realisation, too late, that it's not your toothbrush

'Cochleone' - meaning: the sadness caused by thinking a slug is a homeless snail

‘Saeplect’ - meaning – the smile of knowing you are the only one on the bus silently repeating the word ‘plectrum’ in your head

‘Gearmentia’ – meaning - suddenly forgetting where reverse gear is in a car you regularly drive

‘Alliumysterium’ – meaning – the jar right at the back of the fridge containing a single pickled onion in cloudy liquid that you never owned

‘Jamaisvu’ - meaning: strange & unsettling feeling you have never seen or experienced the moment before, opposite of déjà vu


'Cunicupedibus' - meaning: the awkward pain and embarrassment of pushing both feet down a single trouser leg


Sunday, 25 September 2016

The Tiny Seed

The garden was lovely, perhaps the most beautiful it had ever been. Years of toil were paying dividends and things were growing in previously barren areas. The result of all this work was a sense of happiness, of achievement, of well being. 

However one shadow still lurked. Despite the years of digging, sieving, weeding out all that could cause a problem to this paradise one seed still hid. The one tiny seed that could undermine all that had been achieved. One tiny seed with the power to negate all the good. It was there and would sprout into life one day growing tall quickly. Its shadow would rob the bright colours of their vibrancy, shade the joy. One tiny seed - the seed of doubt.




Thursday, 22 September 2016

The Lord Scroley Dictionary - Volume 1

'Handbarress' - meaning: when you return a wave to someone then see their friend standing behind you waving back at them

'Barbedqueue' - meaning: When you move from the slow queue only to watch it suddenly speed up as your new one freezes

'Shaveletting' - meaning: the irrational fear that all the pencil sharpeners you've ever lost are plotting against you

'Poultrification' - meaning: the look of a forgetful chicken staring disconsolately back to the other side of the road

'Corviglum' - meaning: To creep up to single magpies and tell them how sad you are feeling

'Ipsumobruent' - meaning: The belief that every bottle has a genie inside but nearly all have now drowned

'Picklemongering' - meaning: To create small models of famous battles & battlefields from chutney

'Basilistis' - meaning: the disquieting suspicion that the herbs in your garden are mimicking your voice

'Olecraneist' - meaning: the feeling you have when you suspect one of your elbows is planning a bank heist


‘Urinfall’  - meaning: the affect of running water on a pressured bladder some distance from a natural place of relief