Monday 24 December 2018

A Night at the Zoo - A Christmas Tale


T’was the night before Christmas and all through the Zoo
The animals were waiting for Elephant to poo
For when the Zoo shuts animals party
Except poor old Elephant, who’s really quite farty
He strained and he strained and he let out a ‘TRUMP!’
But despite all his efforts nothing left his sore rump.
‘Oh what can I do?’ the Elephant cried
‘I’ve pushed and I’ve squeezed, I’ve tried and I’ve tried
But despite all my efforts, despite what I do
Can nothing relieve me of my giant poo?’
Tiger and Lion looked on very sad
‘We know you are hurting, it’s terribly bad’
‘But what can we do to ease your poor plight?’
‘We just keep on thinking with all of our might.’
The Elephant’s eye now filled with a tear
‘I just haven’t pooed for what feels like a year!’
The Monkey looked on and started to giggle
‘What would happen if you gave a good wriggle?’
So Elephant wriggled from trunk to his tail
But the pain in his tummy just led him to wail
‘Oh what can I do to get rid of this lump
I don't want to grow an ugly big hump’
The Camel looked on and said with a sigh
‘They all pick on me and I’ve never known why.’
Giraffe gazed down on his very sad chum
And thought what might let the poo leave his bum?
‘Ooh why don’t you stretch till your trunk’s tall as me
And maybe the poo will come out with a ‘weee!’
So Elephant stretched till his trunk was so high
But the pain in his tummy made him just want to cry
Then Tiger said, ‘Now, this might sound quite funny
But I wonder what happens if we bounce on your tummy’
The animals all nodded and got ready to jump
Right onto dear elephant’s enormous poo lump
Meanwhile in the sky a sleigh flew ahead
Which Santa was driving whilst children in bed.
Reindeer were pulling as hard as the might
To get all the presents dropped off in a night.
So Elephant lay with his tummy on top
And closed his eyes tight for the animals drop
The animals jumped whilst screaming out ‘woo!’
And bounced on his tummy and out shot the poo
Right into the air the giant poo flew
But where it would land, well nobody knew
But up flew the poo right into the sky
Right up to where reindeer and Santa did fly
And then in a moment, and I tell you it’s true
Rudolph and reindeers got covered in poo
It covered their bodies it covered their eyes
And Santa looked on and just shouted ‘Oh why?’
‘Why are my reindeer all covered in poo
I’d better land here right inside this big Zoo.’
The animals looked up in total surprise
As seven pooey reindeer came down from the skies.
And there in the sleigh Father Christmas was sat
His coat red as sunset his belly so fat
‘Well what can I do I have presents to give,
I’ve never seen this for as long as I’ve lived
All of my reindeer are covered in poo
Oh what a problem, and what shall I do?’
He looked at the animals and screwed up his face
“I wonder, I wonder, could you take their place.’
‘But we cannot fly!’ the animals shouted
“I’ll sort that,’ said Santa, who’s not to be doubted.
And out from his sack he drew magic dust
Which he threw at the animals in rather a rush.
And then it just happened, well, antlers appeared
So before Christmas morning they turned into deers.
And then with a flurry he threw them some roses
And before they could blink they all had red noses.
And off in the sky the animals flew
Leaving Camel with reindeer all covered in poo.
And off in the night with stars shining bright
The animals and Santa made Chistmas all right
Then later that morning the animals back
And once they were landed Santa opened his sack
And using more magic turned them back to themselves
With Giraffe quietly saying ‘we just met the Elves.’
And Santa he thanked them for helping him out
While Monkey washed reindeer who gave up a shout.
‘We’re ready to fly, please can we go home
We don't want to spend Christmas Day here alone.
So Santa waved ‘bye’ and off they all flew
Still wondering why they got hit by such poo
As Lion, Tiger and Monkey waved their goodbyes
Giraffe turned to Elephant and said ‘we know why,
And Elephant blushed because he really knew
How Santa’s reindeer got covered in poo.

Friday 16 November 2018

Be careful of the wolf Daddy

Be careful of the wolf Daddy
Be careful of the wolf
Don’t go outside 
And stay with me 
I’m frightened of the wolf

There is no wolf my little girl
There is no wolf outside 
It’s just a dream
That frightens you 
And scares you all inside

And so he put on hat and coat
And bent to kiss her hair
Unlocked the door
And stepped outside
Then turned to wave to her

It was then the wolf leapt and tore through his throat causing his blood to spatter over her face and down her white pretty dress. Sitting alone now in a safe cell her only memories of the tragedy are those of her own screams.

The nurses stop looking through the vent and one slides the little door shut. The elder turns to the new and mutters, ‘That old lady has been in here since before I started, apparently killed her Father when she was a little girl.’
Now this next one is .........








Friday 9 November 2018

The Door

The door to imagination had been left ajar. Whoever had been in last had failed to close it properly as they left and as a result imagination had begun to leak out. Like water it seeped across the ground and the first to be aware were the children who were nearer to it. They took great handfuls and threw it at each other. They ran through it and tossed it into the air so it would fall over their heads and shoulders. 

The elders could not understand what was happening as many of the youngsters began to speak of great ideas and hopes. Some however, a much smaller group, spoke of their fears and worries.

As the tide of imagination began to rise so the elders began to feel its affect. Now most could see worries and concerns but some, a much smaller group, saw ideas, ambitions and hopes.

Soon someone discovered the opened door and slammed it shut and, as the imagination drained away, everyone returned to just existing.


If the door is ever left open again do you wonder what might you see?


Friday 6 April 2018

The Day they Named the Bears


'What should we call the black one?'
'Black Bear'
'And the brown one?'
'Brown Bear'
'And the one that looks like it's wearing glasses'
'Spectacle Bear'
'Oh, I'm getting the hang of this. So, the white one?'
'Polar Bear.'
'Oh'

'That'll teach you'

Monday 12 March 2018

Little Arms and Sleepless Dinosaurs

So a restless night brought a moment when I wondered how that most legendary of dinosaurs the Tyrannosaurus Rex slept. Lying in bed I lifted my forearms from the elbows at 90 degrees and wondered, as the duvet raised slightly, how uncomfortable it was. How awkward that enormous tail would be when lying on its back. So, I imagined it nestled in a ball on its side, safe and comfortable. That image made me see the T Rex in a different light to the traditional Hollywood presentation of constant killer. Softer, warmer and who knows perhaps that was a part of its character.

Then I wondered about a Stegosaurus sleeping. You know the dinosaurs, the ones with the massive upright plates emerging from their backs. Now imagine one dozing and accidentally rolling over onto its back and the plates sinking into the soft soil leaving it pinned to the ground with its tummy and legs facing the sky.

Then imagine the T Rex waking up and seeing the Stegosaurus stuck, prostrate with its stomach all vulnerable and gleaming. The T Rex approaches and the Stegosaurus fears the worse. And it is the worse. The T Rex moves its enormous head towards the fearful dinosaurs abdomen and then ……..does the most enormous ‘raspberry’ blow on its belly button.

What a sight and what a sound. The T Rex’s head going ‘wibble, wibble, wibble’ whilst the sound of a giant raspberry blow fills the air. The noise only matched by that of the Stegosaurus with its screams of uncontrolled giggles.

Of course to those dinosaurs watching on from a distance it didn’t seem like a friendly attack but rather that of murderous devouring. It didn’t matter how much the Stegosaurus explained to the others it was all in fun and didn't hurt a bit , I'm afraid the story that T Rex was a vicious killer was too quickly spread to stop.

In the months that went by T Rex found less and less dinosaurs wanted to be near him. It upset him so much he slept very badly, his temper neared the surface and soon he took the view. ‘Well, it that’s what they think I am. That’s what I’m going to be.’ And all because little arms can’t lift a duvet high enough to be comfortable.

(and yes, I know they never existed at the same time, and didn't have duvets)




Saturday 20 January 2018

The Cuddle

He stood on the bridge as a sea of people ebbed and flowed in front of him. He knew the bridge well, it had been his walk to work for over forty years until his retirement.

He stood and shouted ‘I want to be held, I want to be cuddled.’

The people kept to their journeys untroubled by his outburst.

‘I want to be held again, I want to be cuddled.’

Emerging from the crowd a young and beautiful woman made her way towards him. She reached out her arms and as she held him the people and bridge faded away. He found peace.

-

When the Police broke through the door they found him in bed cuddling a pillow. It didn’t take a moment to know he was dead.

-


As neighbours gathered outside one spoke for them all. ‘Apparently his wife died a year ago. I imagine he was lonely. We kept thinking about talking to him but he was old and you don’t want to pry do you.’