Original Features

David and Elaine Stephens smiled at each other as they crossed the threshold of the house they had chosen to retire to. Number thirty-seven Argon Gardens would be ‘perfect for them’ the Estate Agent had pointed out.

Shops nearby, the community centre, a reasonable sized garden and a number of original features made the house ideal. Both enjoyed gardening and David was a dab hand at DIY. That, coupled with some illustrious previous owners and guests, made this house their perfect home. This was bliss.

After a particularly fruitful day in the garden David and Elaine sat, with their dinners on lap trays, and watched the six o’clock news. Neither of them really enjoyed watching all the bad things that were happening in the world but it did allow them more time to reflect on the happiness in their own lives.

David took his serviette from its bamboo hoop, shook it out and wiped the corner of his mouth. Before he took their trays back to the kitchen he would take a few moments to enjoy one of those ‘original features’ that the house boasted. He placed his tray on the floor beside his chair and stared at the gaping abyss in the middle of the living room floor.

This was a chasm so deep, the Estate Agent had assured them, it was reputed to go down to the ‘very molten core of the earth’. Jules Verne, a previous owner had used it as inspiration for his book ‘Journey to the Centre of the Earth’ and Arthur Conan Doyle, who had stayed as a guest in the house, wrote ‘The Lost World’ in the box bedroom. Sir Edgar Rice Burroughs had lived in the house for many years penning his most famous work ‘The Land that Time Forgot’ in that very room.

David stared with contentment at the astonishing hole. That, and the original architrave and picture rail, made their home quite unique.

Pookie, their rather overweight and pampered cat, sauntered into the room. Sitting on the edge of the fissure it lifted its back leg to clean itself and toppled gently over. The sound of its screeching went on for some minutes to be replaced by the sound of what David and Elaine could only, with their limited knowledge, surmise to be a large carnivorous lizard of the Jurassic period.

Elaine leaned back in her chair. After a while she spoke. “I know you love the hole David but I did tell you that would happen. It will have to go, we can’t have the Grandchildren staying round with that.”

In his heart he knew she was right but it didn’t help assuage the feeling of sadness that losing the hole would bring. The only thing that brought any positive glimmer was that tomorrow was Wednesday and that meant 10% off for pensioners at B&Q.

At 10am the next morning David backed his blue Honda Civic into the drive and spent some time carrying his purchases into the house. “Saved a fortune,” he shouted to Elaine who was in the kitchen making macaroons.

He spent the next ten minutes shaking cans of expandable foam before starting at the edges of the hole. He had to leave each application to dry before he could fill a little more but by Sunday morning the hole was completely covered. Obviously he would have to put a false floor across and one structurally capable of taking weight but that was a task for another day.

“A good job jobbed,” he sighed contentedly as he eased back into his chair with a cup of tea and the last of the violet coloured macaroons.

Later that night, after they had finished their dinner, or ‘tea’ as Elaine called it, David Attenborough came on TV. They were too tired to switch over and so began to be drawn in by his slow drawl as he explained the start of the world. As his commentary reached the point when “Scientists believe that a monumental event killed off the dinosaurs,” David let a smile dance across his lips.

Was B&Q’s own brand of expandable foam filler really a ‘monumental event’ he pondered, particularly with 10% off.