01.00. The cab moves
away from the kerb and I check my phone for the time. I should just about be ok
for the station. I realise the phone is my only way of knowing the time. I
should have brought the charger. “More speed, less haste,” I say out loud which
earns a response from the driver that he is doing his best. I’m about to
explain when he puts the radio on. I had forgotten how rubbish early morning
radio is. It is a punishment for those who cannot sleep.
01.05. Which part of
God’s great plan means every light will be red when there is no other traffic
on the road. I have the only cab driver in the world who honours the highway
code to the letter. As the lights turn amber we do not move. It’s only on green
that we creep forward. I have a sudden panic and open the briefcase. My pumping
hearts believes I have left it home my head knows it is in there but only sight
will confirm.
01.10. I sit back and
relax. The package is safe in the case and we are beginning to make good speed
as we hit the motorway. I now believe that I will be there on time. I close my
eyes and let the world become just noise. Sound of car, DJ and my breathing. I
open one eye and see the driver staring at me in the rear view mirror. He seems
to be looking at my neck. Oh God, it’s the blood stains. How am I going to be
invisible today? I will have to buy a new shirt if I get time.
01.15. The rain is
beginning to fall heavily and as a result the effectiveness of the wiper blades
has been revealed. The visibility through the windscreen is extremely poor and
the lights bouncing off the road and raindrops makes this journey suddenly
dangerous. The driver has now decided to go at the speed I had hoped for
earlier. I wonder whether he has a death wish but at least he has stopped
looking in the rear view mirror. His attention is focused on the road ahead.
01.20. I waste a
little of the battery charge on the phone to check the time. I am beginning to
feel that my fears on getting to the station on time will be unfounded. The
stupid part of me now thinks I could have pressed doze or at least showered at
a pace that wouldn’t have torn the fresh scabs from their sores. The packet in my
case weighs heavy on my mind
01.25. The cab takes
the final roundabout and the glowing neon sign of the station looms into view
behind the spray. It is clear that the driver has not been here before as
finding the drop off point reduces our speed to a crawl. I attempt to give him
instructions but the radio’s constant drone mitigates my efforts. Finally he
sees the space and pulls in. In one movement the radio is off and a request for
money is barked through to the back seat.
01.30. Having paid the
bill I get out clutching the bag in my hand with so much pressure my knuckles
went white. Another fear defeated, another nightmare punctured. The bag is not
being driven off on the back seat of a taxi and the driver was not sent to
intercept me. I take a long deep breath and watch the lights of the cab turn
the corner. Just me again.
01.35. I have
purchased my ticket using notes withdrawn from a cash point that have only
touched my gloves. I also purchase a newspaper, water and some chewing gum
making sure to mask my face from the CCTV cameras. I have found a dark part of
the station to sit and wait. I flick at the newspaper but I am so apprehensive
about the day that it is impossible to concentrate.
01.40. My eyes are constantly
flicking up to the departures board. As yet there is no movement but my stomach
will not let me rest and relax. I know that the train will not just flash up
and then leave at the same moment. Or at least my rational mind knows that. My
fears however keep telling me it will be there and gone. After all the hurry
and anxiety time is now hanging heavy.
01.45. The train has
appeared on the departure board. A handful of people are making their way to
the platform. I shall leave it until one minute, no two minutes before it is
due to leave. I am keeping a watchful eye on the other passengers but as yet
there is no one I recognise and no one who causes me any worry. I gather my
paper, water and finally the case and slowly stand.
01.50. I have found a
seat facing forward with my back to the end of a carriage. From this position I
can have a view of the whole space which is currently empty except for myself.
There can be fewer than ten of us aboard and the majority have walked toward
the far end of the train. The psychology of being nearer the front so you get
to your destination quicker. With a sharp whistle the train moves off.
01.55. Once again I
find my body begin to relax. Another part of this journey can be ticked off. I
stare at my reflection in the window. Beads of rain run down my hair and cheek
but fortunately on the other side of the glass. I cannot believe how tired and
old I look. I just want this day to be over with. I open the paper and find I
can read.
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