Day 77. I cannot believe I have been here this
long. I had thoughts I would be rescued within days once people knew I was
missing. I see lights of boats far out on the horizon so today I built a
massive construction of chairs from an old people’s home on the beach. As
darkness fell I put a match to them. I had forgotten that new Health and Safety
Fire precautions means they don’t burn but gently smoulder with no flames at
all but a distinct aroma of urine to fill the air. The smell was so bad I
decided to spend the night in the Lush Shop – but that was even worse. I can
only hope that day 78 will bring a change of fortune and ambience
Day 78. I have to shake myself out of this
malaise. It is clearly doing me no good. How can I feel any optimism when I am
in this state and now it is attracting all kinds of flies. Wait a minute, it’s
mayonnaise not malaise. Now it seems I am beginning to replace words with ones
that sound like them. Thank god it’s only that and nothing worse. I shall go
down to the water and wash of this sticky covering and then go straight to Top
Man and choose myself a brand new watercycleclamplamp
Day 79. I hardly recognise the reflection in the
mirror. Is this what seventy-nine days alone can do? I can no longer pretend
that solitude has not affected me. My hair and beard are ragged. I have lost an
incredible amount of weight in certain places although my head has ballooned
out of all proportion and my legs are incredibly long. The mirror behind me
shows almost the reverse with very short legs, a swollen rear end and the head
of a pin. I must leave this Hall of Mirrors and resolve never to come here
again. How come I don’t walk in circles if I have one very long leg and one
short?
Day 80. The weather is changing. The skies are
becoming increasingly purple and there is a strong wind coming off the sea. I
am spending my time exploring the buildings. This afternoon I spent in the
Police Station going through their cupboards and opening boxes and packages. It
was great fun to see what they have. One package was hard to get into until I
saw ‘tear’ which I did and and it soon opened. Moments later I found myself
crying uncontrollably. When my eyes finally dried and the blurriness had gone I
saw the rest of the label – ‘gas’. I laughed so much it felt like I was back
watching the Mike & Bernie Winters Christmas Special
Day 81. The sun is bright in the sky and
although it is cold the astonishing light on the beach and reflected on the sea
can only lift the spirit and the soul. Suddenly everything seems clear. I can
pack a large case with food and plenty of water and then take one of the boats
from the pier and finally leave to safety. I am suddenly filled with optimism
and belief. OK it will be a potentially dangerous journey but I have an atlas
from the bookshop and it has to be better than slowly dying here. Never having
been a sailor it is hard to know which is the most seaworthy craft. In the end
I have settled for the large yellow swan as it has two seats so I can store the
case comfortably and the peddles seem perfect for my leg length. It is also
called ‘Felicity’ which adds up to 16 at Scrabble (which would be 48 on a
treble at least).
Day 82. I have lost track of time. I know how many days I
have been here but I cannot relate that to weekdays and months and yet I have a
feeling that today is a special day. I sat under a tree staring at the sea and
thought back over my life and the decisions I have made. Our story is one of
continual crossroads where we make choices, often on the poorest of thoughts,
that then direct our life and our opportunities. One decision keeps coming back
to haunt me and I suspect always will. It is a shadow across my heart and god
knows I regret it. I should never have eaten that yoghurt in the fridge that
was two weeks over its sell by date. Will I ever come to terms with my
stupidity.
Day 83. I have developed a passion for Velcro. I was in
the Haberdashery shop and found rolls of the stuff. If I can't get off the
island then I must do something to draw attention to my plight. My idea is both
simple and dramatically effective. I am going to put the furry side of the
Velcro on the edge of the sand and then attach the sticky hook side the the
leading wave on the sea. When to two come together the water will not be able
to leave the beach and the sea will be stuck here. This should mean other
beaches will lose their waves and a proportion of their sea causing people to
investigate and that will lead back to me and provide my road to freedom at
last. I have also taken some of the glue that works under water as I don't want
the Velcro to peel off. You really do have to think these things through.
Day 84. I don't think I have come to terms with the fact
that I will never see anyone else again. My idea to Velcro the waves to the
sand has turned out to be a fiasco. The waves were stronger than the beach and
just dragged it away. To cheer myself up I have taken all the supermarket
trolleys from the three supermarkets and lined them up one foot apart to see if
I can make a sort of domino effect train. In front of the final trolley I have
placed a shop dummy and dressed it as the German golfer Bernhard Langer. Based
on the theory of infinite realities somebody somewhere in some universe is
doing exactly the same thing. "I AM NOT ALONE," I screamed as I
pushed the first trolley with all my might. The effect was not as I had
originally intended as it missed the second trolley completely and rattled off
down the road. I sat sobbing uncontrollably on the grass verge until a seagull
landed on Bernhard's head. Could this be the spirit of my friend in the
alternate reality and if so what is his message?
Day 85. When we are low we often lead our mind back
to happier times. Sitting in the blue light cast from the window of the Tanning
Shop by the sea front, I began to think of my childhood and times at school.
Without really noticing I found myself running as though I was in the
playground. In my mind I could feel my anorak hood over my head and my arms
outstretched holding the coat as a cape. Before I knew it I was singing
"nanananananana Batman" and running with the freedom of a child's
legs that have no fear of falling. I thought of the other games the children
used to play with me. Suddenly I found I was giving myself a Chinese burn, but
as it was with only one hand I looked as if I was revving a pink motorbike.
Next I started to give myself dead legs but this was almost impossible until I
found I could just run into the edge of a bench to create the total numbness
and pain that playtime used to finish with. Ah, such days as my class
mates used to sing to me 'cry baby, cry baby, cry baby'. Why is marmalade
called marmalade? I doubt I will sleep tonight.
Day 86. If potatoes can have jackets why does other food
stuff not have clothes. I know some have wraps but why don't we have sock
cherries or trouser mackeral. I would like vest eggs or camisole pears and I
would certainly relish felt hand warmer plums. I believe the pairing of clothes
and food is the future and when I get off this little piece of the world I will
make it my mission to ...... Actually why just food and clothes you could do
vehicles and animals like the Jaguar car, damn damn damn.
Day 87. They said it would come in useful one day and
maybe today is the day. I am trying to remember some of the math I was taught
at school and not a lot is coming back. It was the one lesson where I wished I
had put my hand up at the very point I stopped understanding and asked to have
it explained. Because I didn't do that I spent most of my time sitting in a fog
of words and numbers and never got my head round it all. Now, when I need it, I
can't even remember the formula for working out which American Vice President
could dance and why. Wait, wait it’s
coming back. Of course, it's an Algorithm.
Day 88. I am wrestling with philosophical questions today.
In my head, not physically – I feel to tired to wrestle even an idea down to
the ground.I have sat by my bonfire for some time pondering. The issue of
concern is this. If I light a stick, I have a burning stick. If I light two, I
have two burning sticks. How many sticks do there have to be before it stops
being a number of sticks and becomes a ‘fire’? This has troubled me for over
two hours until it was replaced by the thought of ‘where did I put my shoes to
dry?’ I am now faced with a new philosophical question. How many shoes have to
be burning before they become a fire? Tonight I shall run barefoot in the sand.
Day 89. I believe I slept tonight which means I have woken
up in a better space. It made me think of how important friends and family are
and how, despite being self reliant and resilient, how much extra having your
loved ones around brings. That made me think that Mary and Joseph must have had
family but I can’t remember much about them in the Bible. It must have been so
tricky at family gatherings when the inevitable competitive parents competition
kicks in. “We’re hoping Saul will become a Doctor, what about you Joseph?”. “Oh
I expect he’ll just be a carpenter like me, he seems good with his hands.”
“Well it’s not such a bad job Joseph and we always need shelves.” “We think
Luke will be a tax inspector like his father, it’s a job with great career
opportunity. “We must meet at our house next time, it’s got so much more space
and you don’t get sawdust on your clothes.” “What’s that Mary? We’ve run out of
wine?”
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