It Was Just A Moment

It was just a moment

It happens very slowly so that at the time you don’t really notice or understand the implications. In retrospect it’s easy to identify those moments or at least the moments that you can remember. Of course there will have been hundreds of other moments that you have forgotten but each of those had their affect.

Perhaps it all started when the teacher first said, “do you all understand that?”

Now it is clear that that was the time to raise your hand and say, “No not really, could you go through it again?”

But that frozen arm and silence started something. It began the journey to not being able to understand math, or French, or physics or whatever the subject was. It was then you decided it was better just to keep quiet. Pretend to be like the others and not to risk looking stupid. Better to fit in than attract attention. You can even justify it, “it will slow everyone down” or “I’ll catch up later.” But or course you never catch up and then somehow you can’t because that was the 'moment'.

Then later the questions from your parents. “Why are you dropping the subject. I thought you wanted to do it for a living?” Then you in a surly voice “I never said that, I hate it and I never wanted to do it for a job.”

But you did and you knew it.

So you are in the pub with your friends. Big David (no one ever calls him Dave) tells one of his jokes. It’s a bit sexist, sort of thing you thought no one really said anymore but everyone laughs and you laugh along. You’re not laughing because you thought it was funny because to you it wasn’t. You’re laughing because you don’t want them to look at you, to ask whether you 'got it' or worse still they think you’ve gone all ‘pc’.

But as you are laughing you look around to make sure no one at another table heard it and might think that you really did think it was funny. You don’t say anything of course. You don’t even make some excuse and leave early. No, you sit with your friends for the rest of night even though you can see they don’t really know the real you. Another little moment on the journey.

Staff Training days with the business are tough. All day locked in a room together trying to focus on the subject. The only relief is two coffee breaks and a lunch. In every break you don’t go to mix with the others from the company. Everyone just hangs around in the groups from your office. So much for bonding and networking.

Then it happens. A sly comment from Julie in accounts about how most of the new people are ‘from abroad’. It’s cleverly phrased. It skirts the borders of outright racism but the tone lets you and everyone else to know what she means. You want to say something. You can hear it in your head.

It’s another moment.

When you look back that’s what your life has been. Hundreds and hundreds of moments when you should have said something but you kept quiet. Too scared, too timid, too fragile.

Now the man who asked the question is staring at you. The rest of the Board are beginning to look slightly concerned. Slowly he asks it again.

“So tell us something about yourself.”