A Pencil

The man stared at the pencil and thought of all the work he had to do

The child stared at the pencil and knew that inside it was every story ever written and every story yet to be told, every picture seen and unseen.

The man picked up the pencil and felt the weight of responsibility

The child picked up the pencil and felt the wonder of the unknown

The man looked at the pencil in his hand and smiled at the child within himself

His hand began to move across the paper

‘Once, long before the land as we know it was formed ……….’

The Sea Bed

In the dark my hand reaches out and finds the contours of my lovers back. It is warm as the sand touched by the sun and shaped as the gentle dunes. It is comforting in its familiarity, each muscle and dimple rising and falling with her wave like breaths.

Sometimes it is an ice wall, cold and scary. I wonder what I have done to create such a boundary. I rest my hand in the hope that its slight warmth might crack the ice and send it crashing into the bed sea. My own small contribution to global warming changing the climate of the bedroom.

It is at times like this I think – we must change to the heavier duvet.

The Old Chest

There is an old chest next to the head of my bed, almost as old as me. In it I keep all my fears, doubts and self loathing. The lock broke a long time ago and so, at night, I place all my dreams, hopes and my positive thoughts on top to keep the lid shut.

Unfortunately the hinges are sprung so, despite how much good I place on top, sometimes a cold draft escapes and chills my mind. Then, I have to take one of the positive thoughts as a blanket to wrap around me. The only problem is that each thought I gather about me reduces the weight on the lid until my fears, doubts and self loathing creep silently into the bed and make a pillow for my head.

They seep their loathing into my mind and no matter how much I toss and turn, no matter how high I pull my blanket of good thoughts the pillow is always next to my ears poisoning me and draining any confidence in myself I have.

Only light can seems to reduce the power of these debilitating thoughts but in the long, dark, sleepless night the dawn can seem an eternity away. Does anyone have a lock that can keep the chest shut?

There is a Dark

There is a dark that is so dark it seems to rob you of your senses. It seems to take not just your sight, but hearing and touch as well. It is so black that there is no distance in front of your eyes, nothing exists beyond the lid of your eyes. This black darkness is oppressive, wrapping your body in a vacuum. It closes around you and seems to crush your hope, your soul. It is a dark that chills you, that lets you know you are truly alone. I have felt this dark, this vacuum, this desensory blackness but why, and it counters all I have said, why did I see the shadows?

I turned to face the figure sitting in the chair. The fingertips of his hands, which were held in a position of prayer, rested on his bottom lip.

Silence.

I was used to this. It was part of the whole 'you have the answers, I am only here to help you see that' approach. I said it again and stared hard at his strange grey eyes.

"How can I see shadows in total, in absolute darkness?"

His odd, slightly high-pitched voice, spoke for the first time since he had welcomed me into his room. "I don't know," he said, "I really don't know."

This was not what I was expecting, this was unusual.

"Describe them again," I heard him turn on his recording machine.

 .....

Outside in the sunshine Kathryn pushed the buggy holding baby Peter whilst little Evie held onto her skirt. A light breeze made the heat pleasant. It was, in many ways, the sort of day you wished for. Kathryn leant over the handles and smiled at Peter who had nodded off clutching his little rabbit. A rabbit that had been hers when she was his age. Evie had never taken to it but Peter was different, he was more, more ..... loving. 

She hated herself for thinking it. She must love them both the same, that’s what mother's do. But she didn't. There was something about Evie that unnerved her, that frightened her.

Evie was talking to her invisible friends again. Kathryn had tried to join in many times but Evie had shown her she was not welcome. "Mummy, why don't you answer the questions they ask you? They're not babies."

.....

Eddie hit the side of his laptop and swore under his breath. Why did it keep doing this? If he didn't finish this report there would be trouble. It could cost him his job. He stared at the screen again. Those were not the words he had been typing in. They made no sense to him. Dear god, if he had bought another computer with a faulty hard drive or something. 

He deleted that last paragraph and stared at his notes on the pad beside him. A waitress delivered his coffee next to him. He was conscious after a moment that she had not left his side. She was staring at the screen. He looked up. The words were there again but the font was much larger.

"Is it a novel?" She asked, "It's really odd."

Eddie stared at the words that he had not written but kept appearing in his work. 

'The time is approaching. We are massing. The wall is weak. When is our time?'

.....

"I've told you all this before." I said angrily.

"I know," he replied calmly, his voice grating on my ears, "but I want a colleague to hear what you say you see."

"But I can't see it, that's the bloody problem." There was silence. I left an awkward gap to see if he would fill it but he didn't. I began again.

It’s dark, darker than you can imagine. It’s more than just a lack of light. It’s like every ounce of hope has been sucked away. Total, total black. You could not imagine it, I couldn’t until I experienced it. Nothing built on nothing built on nothing. Then suddenly movement, as though someone has run across my vision, but I have none.

Then I hear the noises.

….

“Put your toys away and come and have your tea Evie.”

Kathryn glanced over at her and once again wondered why they had called her that name. Neither she nor her husband could remember how it had happened. It was not a family name, not even a name either of them particularly liked. So why? Her thoughts were interrupted by the way Evie was putting away her toys.

Kathryn walked as Evie placed the last of her dolls with their heads and bodies facing the wall.

“Why have you done that Evie?” she tried to hide the fear in her voice behind a slight laugh. This was going to be another evening discussing what they should do about her.

“They told me to,” said Evie jumping up to run through to the table.

“Why did they want you to do that?”

“They are looking out for us Mummy, the time is coming. Can I have red sauce please.”

…….

Eddie stared at the screen and then at the Waitress. He wanted to explain, he wanted to tell her everything that had been happening, he wanted to shout “I’m not writing this, this isn’t my work,” but he knew he would sound mad.

“I’m a writer too,” said the Waitress. “I kinda like your opening, it’s quite mysterious.”

As he turned back to words on the screen she drifted away.

Laying his fingers on the keys he typed ‘what do you want with me?’

…….

Listen to this Derek and tell me what you think. Andrew leant forward and pressed the play button on his laptop. My voice came from the tinny speakers either side of the keyboard. They both sat in silence as I described the darkness.

When I had stopped speaking Andrew shut the lid and turned to his colleague. “Well?” he said.

There was a long pause and then Derek spoke.

“He knows.”

……

Catching up with the Days 181 to 188

Day 181. Dr. Snow didn’t like Quoits, he is quite a serious man. Charlie and white lines keeps floating around my head, what can it mean? I bend down and stroke Charlie’s head and suddenly the world is speeding up and I am transported to another space. There are fields and I can see a magnificent palace in the distance but the building and land where I stand is equally impressive. Superb brickwork, imposing in the landscape and dwarfing all around. Then reservoirs of water freshly dug and made. What staggering inventiveness and ingenuity to create such a monolith in this rural area and all by a river that flows by.

Day 182. I entered the Marquee in time to hear a rather bucolic man in top hat make a presentation on behalf of the Lambeth Water Company celebrating their magnificent construction of these new water works. I have to say that listening to the task they had to undertake and knowing the physical and skill resources available it is quite staggering. I almost gasped when he introduced the engineer and architect of this remarkable edifice a one ‘James Simpson’. This is the man the Doctor had kept talking about. I fell slightly to one side and was propped up by a delightful chap. I glanced at his invitation card to find that I have gone back further in time to 30^th March 1852. Lovely canapés.

Day 183. I have made my way towards Mr James Simpson in the hope of trying to find out why he will be so important to Dr Snow. He is a rather engaging chap and I listened intently as he described his methods of filtering water which, I have to say, sound almost fantastical but I won’t tell him. Let him believe he has created something special for a while. I was rather amused when he described the issues he had had with the Aldermen and leaders of the neighbouring borough who had been unhelpful and at times downright obstructive as they attempted to milk as much money from the project as possible. It made me think that some things never change. Nice cake. Now where’s my Charlie?

Day 184. This really is an astonishing feat of ambition and engineering. They have built a massive complex of cathedral like buildings to purify water. I don’t think they realise the implication of what they have done. Here, in this strange little place by the River Thames, they have started the drive to clean water for all. Simpson is an astonishing chap. Some of the things Snow was saying about him begin to make sense. Snow’s need for a clean water supply for his Grand Experiment. Why am I always so slow to make sense of things? They have painted a white line on the coal supply. I remember from the film The Railway Children that is a way of preventing theft. More white lines and Charlie by me side. What does it mean?

Day 185. I suppose I have never really thought how lucky I have been to have access to a supply of fresh water whenever I needed it. In fact, as I stand here at the opening of this astonishing facility, I realise that I have, for too long, taken for granted my shelter, food and life. What progress has been made since this wonderful cathedral to Victorian vision, engineering and ‘dare do’ was built. Upon its foundations has so much of our progress been laid. I wonder if we pay enough respect to these giants who walked before us. In my life I have done nothing and now I’ve got bloody cramp. It’s all this standing about. I bend down to stretch my leg and stroke Charlie and the scene before my eyes begins to disappear.

 Day 186. The same slight nausea, the same dizziness and then the sense of terra firma and arrival. I nervously open my eyes and feel the overwhelming relief that Charlie is next to me. I am scared that I will pass through a Time Transition Vortex Junction and appear on the other side without my ‘familiar’ or Glendanvagher in dog form and be trapped but with Charlie by my side I feel strangely re-assured. Now to work out where I am. There is large crowd gathered in the distance on the brow of a hill.

Day 187. I have moved up towards the hill where the crowd is gathered. A man with an accent I cannot immediately understand is talking. This is a crowd made up of the poor, the sick and the lame and they are hanging on his every word. Many of them have tears in their eyes as they listen. Whatever this man is saying seems to be an answer to these poor wretches payers. I will make my way further forward in the hope I can understand him better.

Day 188. I have pushed my way nearer to the front and slowly I have begun to understand this man’s pattern of speech and with it begin to understand why this crowd feel such hope at his words. These are people whom this society has seen to cast aside. People without the resources to buy ‘choice’ or so in desperate need as to be pitiable. He uses a language I am unused to hearing with words such as fairness, justice and equality. The man’s accent is Welsh and his words resonate in my ears. “A health service that meets the needs of everyone. A health service is free at the point of delivery. A health service that is based on clinical need, not ability to pay.” His words are an answer to their prayers.